I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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