I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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