I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
