I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
