I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
