Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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