It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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