need another drink. this is the easiest way
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
