I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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