the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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