And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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