It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
