Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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