You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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