I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
