Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
