my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
