the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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