so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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