You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
