I feel great
I just peed on a car
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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