your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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