I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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