He uses pillows to masturbate.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
