My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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