I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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