I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
