We won't sleep together?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
