Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize