Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
