thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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