Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
