a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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