That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
