I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't deserve a penis
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize