scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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