my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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