I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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