Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
