My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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