I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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