He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
