Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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