so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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