my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
