I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
