Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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