he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The air taste purple.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
