I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
