I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
