i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
