Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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