I am puke
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
