I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
two words: eviction party
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
COCAINE IS GR8
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
PANTIES FOUND
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