No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
